I always knew that when you lose someone close to you, you grieve. This has always been associated with death to me, which is always so very hard, but I never imagined that grief comes in other ways as well. Like during divorce. And with this grief comes various stages in which one deals with it. At least that’s how it was for me.
When my ex first told me he wanted a divorce, I was devastated. Completely lost and confused. I felt like a failure and went through feelings of self-pity. I felt like I was not good enough to be loved or deserving of a happy marriage for me or my kids. Soon after this devastation came anger, and boy was I angry. I am not an angry person, but I felt pure angry hatred for him for not only breaking my heart but breaking up our family. I blamed him for everything, and the anger just pushed blame further and further, which was not healthy or good for me.
It wasn’t until both the devastation and anger passed that I finally began to self-reflect on myself. This caused me to really look at the person I was, who I wanted to become and the life I truly wanted to have. So, my marriage was over. That totally sucked but that doesn’t define me as a person. Yes, I was a stay at home mom and housewife. I loved being able to be so involved with my kids this way, but I knew I could find a way to still be involved while supporting our new life as well. I had never really been alone, and that terrified me. Was this my dream? No, it wasn’t. Was this what I envisioned for my life? Absolutely not. What I have realized is that I am the only one in charge of my life and my happiness. I am learning to live day by day, picking up the pieces and taking baby steps to create the life that I want for my kids and myself. It isn’t easy and it won’t be an overnight process, but this is me and my new life that we are slowly learning to love.